A letter to me, from me
Dear future and past Riya,
I know that you were and are scared of healing. You have found comfort in the chaos that is your mind and a moment of calmness throws you off guard. But you have to step out of this tiny space that you have restricted yourself to and realize that you deserve a lot more than merely existing. I know that it sounds scary but you deserve to smile without feeling like an imposter and dance to your favourite song without being forced to.
I write this letter to you, to us, as I pace around our therapist’s waiting room. To the past Riya, I am proud of you for having the courage to recognize your emotions and validate them. As for the future Riya, we’ll get where we need to be. We have to step out of our comfort zone. Everything is going to be different. You won’t know how to deal with these new feelings and may feel overwhelmed but remember that it is always better to cry as you stitch your wounds up than to cry as you bleed out.
Don’t feel bad for feeling afraid. It is a huge change and getting better may actually feel worse at first because you’re not used to this. You may feel like you’re driving in a different country without a map but exploring this new country is going to be a beautiful experience in the end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and no matter what that soft voice in your head tells you, it won’t blind you. It is going to illuminate your life.
There may be days where you’re tempted to give up because all this change is too much for you, where your mind would want to revert back to its previous state- the state it is familiar with. But trust me when I say this, you will get better and heal. You will grow to become a beautiful butterfly but this is only when you allow yourself to leave your cocoon of turmoil and find solace in the sheer okay-ness of it all. Keep reminding yourself that 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward is still 1 step forward. Don’t speed to the end of the tunnel. Rather, enjoy the ride there and assure yourself that this is different but sometimes, different is good.
You will face sleepless nights and days where you want to lay in bed all day but I want you to know that everything passes with time. You will wake up one day with a smile and skip on the pavement as you bop your head to your favourite song. You will get there. Take it one step at a time and allow yourself to heal completely. I know you may not be but the present Riya, writing this to you, is extremely proud of you for taking the initiative to help yourself heal and turn into a butterfly. Yes, it is scary growing these wings! But these are your beautiful wings, and I know that you can step out of your comfort zone and accept these new emotions with open arms.
Lots of love,